Home Security Tips

With the exception of your children, your home is your most precious possession. Here are some tips to help keep it safe from would-be intruders:

 

• If you spot a minority in your community who is not holding a leafblower or other lawn-care device, call your local police immediately.
  
• When going on vacation, be sure to leave the stove on. This will fool people into thinking you are home.
  
• When a suspicious stranger knocks at your door, reply in a falsetto voice, "Ain't nobody here but us cats."
  
• Leave a glass of milk and plate of cookies on kitchen table with a note reading "For burglars." Poison the cookies.
  
• The best way to prevent burglary is to avoid keeping valuables lying around. Leave your six-bedroom mansion unfurnished, then shower, sleep and change clothes at the local motel only.
  
• Surround your house with an impenetrable labyrinth of enchanted briars.
  
• Make your home unappealing to burglars by smearing windows and doors with your own feces.
  
• If a stranger rings your doorbell, only talk to him if you have a handgun jammed down his throat.
  
• Keep several cauldrons of boiling oil on your ramparts at all times.
  
• Before going to bed, spread broken glass on your floors. Use a ratio of one pound for every five square feet, and leave yourself a path to the bathroom.
  
• Rig your home with an electronic timer to randomly switch lights on and off every 15 seconds.
  
• Place a large, highly visible "No Radio" sign in the front window of your home.
  
• Kids should never tell a stranger who calls that they are home alone. Have them say, "Mom and dad are too busy fucking to come to the phone."
  
• If you accidentally shoot a neighbor you mistake for a burglar, drag him inside and get his prints on a steak knife.
  
• Keep your wife's expensive jewelry hidden deep within her anal column.
  
• A handgun is of no use unless it is easily accessible in an emergency. Make sure your spouse and children know where it is at all times.
  
• Protect your prized Precious Moments figurines with an elaborate network of lasers.
• Pile valuables in center of living-room floor. Sit on pile holding double-barreled shotgun. Do not sleep

Raj Thakeray and Shiv Sena - This is for you

Rajesh and Laxman enjoying their siesta

In these times, when MNS and Shiv Sena are stoking the anti-bhaiya fires, here is something that reflects that this is not the end of the road for humanity. We still have it in us to be cordial and loving towards each other. I took this pic during the siesta of our office boys - one of whom is from Maharashtra and the other from Uttar Pradesh. The innnocence reflected on their faces tugs at my heart and moistens my eyes.. Ok I am going overboard with that :) I am passing this on to their supervisor. Then MNS can say a bhaiya got a Maharashtrian fired :)

Are we the same people - Vir Sanghvi

Few things annoy me as much as the claim often advanced by well-meaning but woolly- headed (and usually Punjabi) liberals to the effect that when it comes to India and Pakistan, "We're all the same people, yaar." This may have been true once upon a time. Before 1947, Pakistan was part of undivided India and you could claim that Punjabis from West Punjab (what is now Pakistan) were as Indian as, say, Tamils from Madras. But time has a way of moving on. And while the gap between our Punjabis (from east Punjab which is now the only Punjab left in India) and our Tamils may actually have narrowed, thanks to improved communications, shared popular culture and greater physical mobility, the gap between Indians and Pakistanis has now widened to the extent that we are no longer the same people in any significant sense.
 
This was brought home to me most clearly by two major events over the last few weeks. The first of these was the attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team on the streets of Lahore. In their defence, Pakistanis said that they were powerless to act against the terrorists because religious fanaticism was growing. Each day more misguided youngsters joined jihadi outfits and the law and order situation worsened. Further, they added, things had got so bad that in the tribal areas the government of Pakistan had agreed to suspend the rule of law under pressure from the Taliban and had conceded that sharia law would reign instead. Interestingly, while most civilised liberals should have been appalled by this surrender to the forces of extremism, many Pakistanis defended this concession.
 
Imran Khan (Keble College, Oxford, 1973-76) even declared that sharia law would be better because justice would be dispensed more swiftly! (I know this is politically incorrect but the Loin of the Punjab's defence of sharia law reminded me of the famous Private Eye cover when his marriage to Jemima Goldsmith was announced. The Eye carried a picture of Khan speaking to Jemima's father. "Can I have your daughter's hand?" Imran was supposedly asking James Goldsmith. "Why? Has she been caught shoplifting?" Goldsmith replied. So much for sharia law.) The second contrasting event was one that took place in Los Angeles but which was perhaps celebrated more in India than in any other country in the world. Three Indians won Oscars: A.R. Rahman, Resul Pookutty and Gulzar. Their victory set off a frenzy of rejoicing. We were proud of our countrymen. We were pleased that India 's entertainment industry and its veterans had been recognized at an international platform. And all three men became even bigger heroes than they already were. But here's the thing: Not one of them is a Hindu.
 
Can you imagine such a thing happening in Pakistan? Can you even conceive of a situation where the whole country would celebrate the victory of three members of two religious minorities? For that matter, can you even imagine a situation where people from religious minorities would have got to the top of their fields and were, therefore, in the running for international awards? On the one hand, you have Pakistan imposing sharia law, doing deals with the Taliban, teaching hatred in madrasas, declaring jihad on the world and trying to kill innocent Sri Lankan cricketers. On the other, you have the triumph of Indian secularism.
 
The same people? Surely not.
 
We are defined by our nationality. They choose to define themselves by their religion. But it gets even more complicated. As you probably know, Rahman was born Dilip Kumar. He converted to Islam when he was 21. His religious preferences made no difference to his prospects. Even now, his music cuts across all religious boundaries. He's as much at home with Sufi music as he is with bhajans. Nor does he have any problem with saying 'Vande Mataram'. Now, think of a similar situation in Pakistan. Can you conceive of a Pakistani composer who converted to Hinduism at the age of 21 and still went on to become a national hero? Under sharia law, they'd probably have to execute him. Resul Pookutty's is an even more interesting case. Until you realise that Malayalis tend to put an 'e' where the rest of us would put an 'a,' (Ravi becomes Revi and sometimes the Gulf becomes the Gelf), you cannot work out that his name derives from Rasool, a fairly obviously Islamic name. But here's the point: even when you point out to people that Pookutty is in fact a Muslim, they don't really care. It makes no difference to them. He's an authentic Indian hero, his religion is irrelevant. Can you imagine Pakistan being indifferent to a man's religion? Can you believe that Pakistanis would not know that one of their Oscar winners came from a religious minority? And would any Pakistani have dared bridge the religious divide in the manner Resul did by referring to the primeval power of Om in his acceptance speech?
 
The same people? Surely not.
 
Most interesting of all is the case of Gulzar who many Indians believe is a Muslim. He is not. He is a Sikh. And his real name is Sampooran Singh Kalra. So why does he have a Muslim name? It's a good story and he told it on my TV show some years ago. He was born in West Pakistan and came over the border during the bloody days of Partition. He had seen so much hatred and religious violence on both sides, he said, that he was determined never to lose himself to that kind of blind religious prejudice and fanaticism. Rather than blame Muslims for the violence inflicted on his community - after all, Hindus and Sikhs behaved with equal ferocity - he adopted a Muslim pen name to remind himself that his identity was beyond religion. He still writes in Urdu and considers it irrelevant whether a person is a Sikh, a Muslim or a Hindu. Let's forget about political correctness and come clean: can you see such a thing happening in Pakistan? Can you actually conceive of a famous Pakistani Muslim who adopts a Hindu or Sikh name out of choice to demonstrate the irrelevance of religion?
 
My point, exactly. What all those misguided liberals who keep blathering on about us being the same people forget is that in the 60-odd years since Independence, our two nations have traversed very different paths. Pakistan was founded on the basis of Islam. It still defines itself in terms of Islam. And over the next decade as it destroys itself, it will be because of Islamic extremism. India was founded on the basis that religion had no role in determining citizenship or nationhood. An Indian can belong to any religion in the world and face no discrimination in his rights as a citizen. It is nobody's case that India is a perfect society or that Muslims face no discrimination. But only a fool would deny that in the last six decades, we have travelled a long way towards religious equality. In the early days of independent India, a Yusuf Khan had to call himself Dilip Kumar for fear of attracting religious prejudice. In today's India, a Dilip Kumar can change his name to A.R. Rahman and nobody really gives a damn either way. So think back to the events of the last few months. To the murderous attack on innocent Sri Lankan cricketers by jihadi fanatics in a society that is being buried by Islamic extremism. And to the triumphs of Indian secularism.
 
Same people?
 
Don't make me laugh

Baitullah Masud - The Avenger

This is the man who has taken upon himself to avenge Pakistan's betrayal. Pakistan has always used his men to create instability in the Kashmir region ( a region which Pakistan claims to be its own, which the people indigenous to that region deny). Now Pakistan has shifted its loyalties to US and are helping them to carry out drone attacks on known Taliban centers in Pakistan's tribal area.

Polygamy may be practiced in the religion Baitullah practices, but he will hold that against Pakistan. Pakistan's first wife will be always terrorism/Taliban and so Baitullah wont take kindly to Pakistan being a whore to Uncle Sam.

Baitullah now has realized the two-timing of the Pakis and taking his revenge. Heil Baitullah. Give it back to these ass-licking Pakis. Make them pay for their betrayal. Blow them up.

As you sow so shall you reap

"As you sow so shall you reap"

It is something that we have been hearing all our life, but probably nobody ever understood. The Land of Dreams, United States of America, never learnt it. They fed the mujahideens against the Soviets and now the hand that fed is being bitten. Taliban an offshoot from the old mujahideen days are now the bete noir of America.

The latest example is Pakistan. They have for years slept with the terrorists their main aim being destabilizaton of Kashmir. For years, ISI - the bastard spy organization of Pakis - have supported, financed and supplied arms to the terrorists, trained them and sent them into Kashmir. Though they have denied it over the years, every democratically elected representative ( of which there have been less) and military dictators have supported terrorism, but denied knowledge of it before the international community. The 9/11 fallout has affected Pakis committment to terrorism. They saw a chance where in they can redeem themselves in the international community. They thought this may ultimately reduce pressure on them and they can also claim a huge amount of money from the US that they can claim would go towards fighting terrorism, but ultimately would be used to buy arms and lead the arms race against India.

All that seems to have fallen on its face. The Pakis have gained some, but lost much. They have lost their political stability. They have lost their peace of mind. The snakes that Pakis had caged have escaped and are now biting the hand that fed them. All the acts of terrorism inside Pakistan is an evidence of that. The Swat valley deal has further strenghtened the Talibanis and they are now roaming freely inside Pakistan carrying out their agenda as they wish. They have helped convert Pakistan to Shitistan. So as you sow so shall you reap. Pakis JAi ho